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    (OK Grandpa, let's tell them a little story about what happened this Christmas)
    Christmas eve
    I didn't get much sleep
    I kept hearing things
    Heavy breathing from the chimney
    Who could it be?

    In the morn
    I couldn't believe my eyes
    A whale of a corpse
    With a long white beard was dangling over the fire

    Santa he's a big fat f*uck
    Crawled down the chimney got his fat ass stuck
    Honey call the lawyers fast
    ?Cause Mrs. Claus is gonna sue my ass

    (OK Grandpa, step up, sing in this thing right here, tell ?em what you saw)
    Gotta tell you folks
    He wasn't wearing no clothes
    He musta rubbed a whole gallon of Crisco oil from his head down to his toes
    I was talking to the cops outside
    The dogs were lickin' Crisco off of his thighs
    They hauled him away in a double wide
    What a sad sad way to die


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